I don’t really worry about abandonment at all. If anything, I’d be more worried about the opposite. People like me, and want to hang out with me, and I do not have the time, energy, or desire to hang out with most people. I’ve had more than my fair share of clingy, dependent “friends”, and I’m not a fan. Hyper-independent aloofness has definitely spared me many additions to that unfortunate list.
I don’t disagree that it’s a trauma response, but not always to abandonment (I wish), but often necessity. When you have to do everything, you learn how to do everything, and eventually there’s not much left to rely on other people for.
Have you tried telling people you don’t want to hang out with them? This seems like a weird problem to have.
Yes.
Yup, avoidant attachment style.
I’m generally seen as pretty emotionally open, but it’s always a front, like a negotiation to give the appearance of warmth but I’m terrified to open any deeper. I feel like what people think is the core us just the rind.
Babies will actually show this behavior as well- so this trauma goes DEEP. It might even be more genetic than behavioral. They’ve shown when a parent leaves a baby for a bit, the baby begins to cry, but when the parent returns, there are three responses (I’ll pretend a baby can speak, but this is what they say with body language):
- Ah! You were gone but now you’re back! I missed you and I’m happy you are here let’s play with my rattle (stable)
- OH MY GOD YOU ARE BACK I MISSED YOU PLEASE DON’T LEAVE EVER AGAIN I’M HOLDING ON TO YOU HARDER (Anxious)
- Oh, you’re back? That’s fine, I’m not gonna look at you. If I stop caring you can’t hurt me again. (Avoidant)
I know I’d keep a pretty clean & minimalist room as a kids- I remember straight up saying “I want to be able to pack up my life and leave at a moments notice and no one will ever know I ever existed” when I was 10. It’s still hard to believe people care about me in any meaningful way.
Weird thing- I had a very supportive childhood. Having a sister with intense ADHD was tough though since she took up 90% of my parents time, so I think that’s where it comes from.
Fuck off internet! DON’T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ME!
And if it continuously gets proven correct over and over? Still just a problem with me right?
Maybe a negativity schema from a parent who was very tightly wound and anxious. Kids learn this stuff before the age of five. I know that if I have ten positive interactions and one negative then the negative one is going to dictate the narrative I tell myself about the world. If you know what to look for it makes it possible to catch yourself falling into patterns of thought, identify why and learn to see things a bit differently. It doesn’t invalidate anything you’ve been through.
you can control yourself. you can’t control other people.
figure out who is causing it.
It’s clearly those fucks who stole me wee men! Usen ‘em ta summon tha’ bastard en yello!
This is a shit reference and I will not elaborate further unless you guess correctly.
Seen any ugly poodles lately?
Ya get it. It’s old man Henderson.
Wow. ITT: Several people lashing out defensively at a simple definition statement, which was not directed at them, and they say doesn’t even apply to themselves.
meh. some people get offended and lash out for saying you like chicken.
defensive people think everything anyone else says or does is about them.
You can be all that with no fear of abadonment. Not having the energy to deal with people’s constant bullshit, just not particularly liking people, not being very good at talking to people and being heard and not taken advantage of- are all more than enough.
This incessant need by psychiatry to link trauma to abandonment and refuse any other reasoning, has lead to a lot of misdiagnosis, especially in women.
I’m generally not a big proponent of western therapy in general, so I’m not arguing that part of your comment, I just wanted to say - it’s normal to not be very good at talking to people. Like any skill, it takes practice, which requires accepting that you’ll be bad at it initially.
I did it, I went from socially awkward to people not believing me when I tell them I’m an introvert; “But you’re so sociable and charismatic!”. Gonna be honest, still don’t really want to talk to people. Like sure, I like having discussions and hashing ideas out with an external perspective, and I’m glad I developed the skill. But I don’t want to just, talk to people. It’s generally exhausting.
deleted by creator
I didn’t need this today, Nicole.
Yeah, I was doing just fine on my own!
Ferreal, tho. It’s like she’s implying those aren’t simple, elementary facts of modern life, and judging those that don’t agree with her whinge-as-wisdom, FFS. 🤌🏼
😶
I’m sorry to inform you that this is not a given and most people do not feel this way. You see more people like this because you spend a lot of time on the internet. You know who else spends a lot of time on the internet? People like me who feel just as shitty as you do. We are not normal. Normal people do not visit lemmy, or know what a Linux operating system is.
I’m sorry that you feel so comfy with those little lies and acerbic fallacies, genuinely. Currently, isolation is a very real concern for many, if not most modern communities and humanity in general. The causes are legion, and the effects are often globally felt. For example, the entire country of Japan has been suffering from it for so long, they have a fucking word for the “lifestyle”, FFS.
Also, fuck “normal”. That’s just a word unimaginative mouthbreathers use to neg people with —and there are too many of them in the world already. No need to do it to yourself (or others). 🖖🏽
Also, fuck “normal”. That’s just a word
unimaginative mouthbreathers use to nsg
people with
Sometimes when I think “why can’t I just be normal???..”, I like to remind myself that there is no such think as “normal” :)
Dearest, you are coping by telling yourself that the way you feel is a fact of life. That everyone feels that way. They don’t, and you can feel better.
More negging? Ew. 🤌🏼
Just giving obvious advice.
Any blurb that sounds like sound psychological advice people on the Internet can use to self-diagnose will do
You ok over there, 00s kid?
I’m actually from 93. Also no not really.
Yes, I inferred that. 🤓 FYI, being born within a particular decade doesn’t make you a “child of” that same period unless you were school age in it as well. Ergo, “00s kid”. 🤙🏽
Also, here’s hoping it picks up for ya! 🖖🏽
Ffs I’m just trying to quietly make my way to the end. I’m fine.
If I’m understanding this correctly, the line between someone who is hyper independent and someone who is really bad at relationships or someone with preference for frequent quiet and solitude is trauma.
Also I suspect the increase in people with lower social contact not by choice is due at least in part to not enough 3rd places that don’t require money to hang out and meet people.
Someone who’s hyper independent would prefer solitude and would likely have problems with relationships for a number of reasons including being really out of practice. And not having any reference point for understanding what a secure attachment looks and feels like.
You can have a significant preference for being alone, require a great deal of quiet time and still suffer from social isolation.
It’s all interconnected, we’re not designed to live a life alone.
Having said that I still wish people would stop approaching me when I leave the house :/
What if I’m extremely independent because over the last four decades I have been continuously abandoned, and have learned to adapt to my circumstances?
This hits deep. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it until we’re completely burnt out and wondering why we feel so alone. It takes so much courage to finally reach out and trust someone again.
It’s frustrating that this term:
a) Doesn’t appear in any published literature
b) Appears to have been coined in the last decade in a magazine article whose author has a degree from a non-accredited college.
But’s let’s just make up terms at will so we can pathologize ourselves proudly and not hurt any fee-fees!
a) Doesn’t appear in any published literature
You say this like Shakespeare wrote about autism.
b) Appears to have been coined in the last decade in a magazine article whose author has a degree from a non-accredited college.
What? Appears based on what? Does something that happened in the last decade become invalidated for some reason?
Realizing this was a big ‘oh… that explains a lot’ moment for me. Learning to ask for help is a skill too.
Same moment of realization for me too…
I think I’d agree that asking for help would be a skill. In my opinion, it takes courage to put yourself out there and face all the shitty people that there may be and all the(ir) criticisms. On another note to that, getting help, getting dependant on that help, then what if it goes away? What next?
This i think is one of the things I struggle with in regards to asking for help. It’s terrifying.
Just wanted to get my thoughts out. Sorry if it’s not appropriate here.
GenX: triggered.
You don’t make connections because Yoh believe you will be abandoned.
I don’t make connections because I know I would be a shitty friend and incapable of actually maintaining a friendship.
Not sure if this is how you meant it, but this is how I read it.
Why not both?
username: deadcream
fully confirming my suspicion that you were the one who didn’t put the ice cream back in the fridge
You have only yourself to blame
I meant a completely different kind of cream
Also I’m pleading the fifth on the ice cream
Considering the preceding sentence, I’m not sure I wanna know what you think “pleading the fifth” means. 🤢
😅
Always interesting to hear about something new I have had for decades.
