I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just going to put words on ‘paper’
I’m 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.
I’m looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways, however there is a thought or feeling I just can’t escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.
My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together. She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she’s really pretty when they’ve met her however I don’t feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.
My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I’m dating isn’t feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that’s a turn off for me. I didn’t even realize femininity mattered this much to me.
I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who’s logistics fit so well with mine it’s honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.
I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:
- Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn’t exist?
- Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because - it doesn’t feel right?
- I’m getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
- Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?
My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help
I will say don’t ignore your feelings. That doesn’t mean do whatever your feelings are saying, but it is important to listen to them.
Your feelings are information. That feeling is coming from somewhere and it’s trying to tell you something. The reason it’s a vague feeling instead of a concrete thought is that it’s coming from a part of your psyche that you aren’t fully conscious of right now, and it needs to come to the surface before you make a decision.
If you meditate at all, I might so some of that. If you don’t meditate, you should do something that engages your body but leaves your mind free. I find that a long walk - not so vigorous that you can’t get lost in thought - can do wonders to open a dialogue with yourself and help discover the source of vague feelings.
I also really love Tarot for this sort of thing, but if you’ve never done tarot I suggest doing something you’re familiar with. Whatever helps you listen to your own thoughts.
I like that you mention tarot as a personal reflection tool to tell us about ourselves rather than a form of divination to tell us about external people, places and things. There are therapists who integrate it in this way in their practice because they’re great for exploring archetypes (which religions sort of crudely tried to address) and doing shadow work on ourselves, eg understanding and working with our triggers, instead of arrogantly and foolishly expecting others not to trigger us, accidentally or intentionally.
When I left religion, I had to grapple with the fact that praying had really worked for me. If I wasn’t talking to anyone, then why did prayer work so well?
The conclusion that I came to is that it allowed me to open a dialogue with myself. In other words, it was what today we’d call “shadow work” or “talking to your subconscious.”
Now that I no longer believe in god, prayer just doesn’t quite work the same. But I find tarot fills that niche pretty well.
Unfortunately it’s hard to find other secular tarot practitioners.
That may be a good thing. Too many clinicians and doctors latch onto the latest buzz without any real understanding of the actual psychology of the archetypes, like the fad diagnoses of the era (when everyone was bipolar, then BPD), and I don’t like it.
If anyone is actually interested, they should look online and ask around for results-based reviews.
Prayer does work, like meditation does, and we have eegs to back up that claim. I think it does allow our mental chatter to quiet so we can contact the deeper parts of our psyche, and actually sit with the discomfort, rather than running from it. It’s uncomfortable to recognize, let alone admit the behaviors that bug us most about people are also our own or because we allow the behavior into our lives, or remind us of unhealed traumas we shoved down to keep us let alone admit it and actively explore our triggers, to sort which and how much of some combination. And that’s the easy part! The hard part is finding tools and learning how to use them in a proper and efficient manner!
Oh! I meant “practitioners” like regular folks. Not therapists. I don’t need my therapist to do tarot with me, I can do that a home.
But it would be nice to have a “coven” or “church” or whatever but where everyone recognizes that the rituals are psychological rather than actual magic.
Lol. Good luck with that!
Thanks for the advice, I’m very much the kind of person who will check what research says about the effectiveness of treatments before trying it.
Unfortunately science and research doesn’t support tarot card readings, so it’s not something that would work for me.
Unfortunately science and research don’t support tarot card readings
You might want to check again :)
I’m not saying that they predict the future or anything. That would be pretty unscientific. But the phenomenon where you engage with a story, or a work of art (like a painting, sculpture, whatever) and thereby create meaning and understand yourself better is pretty well documented. It’s the same principle - the cards give you something to think about and the free association process draws out thoughts and emotions you might not have known about.
Of course, you can accomplish the same thing by reading a story or some poetry or going to an art museum. Or just taking a long walk and letting yourself think. Whatever works for you is what you should do!
Can you cite any research into tarot card reading specifically as an effective tool?
Are you sure you’re completely over your ex? I ask because you compare her to her. Without that comparison how would you feel about the new person.
I might not be 100% over my ex, it is fairly recent.
My ex was very toxic, and admittedly so was I. I’d like to think though therapy, reflection and a lot of maturing I’ve grown into a much better person.
To me my ex is like how some would describe heroin. Incredible high highs and blissful times, but then only to knock you down low and hurt you. I had to step away and will keep that door closed.
I don’t think I was ever comparing my new potential partner to my ex until I tried to make sense of where my feelings might be coming from, up until now I didn’t know I cared about femininity to this degree.
If I had never dated my ex, I think I’d still have the same dilemma I find myself in now.
I never put those two in the same category, tbh. I dated dozens of women, and was intimate with a few outside of what one would call dating, and I was “attracted” to all of them, or frankly we would not have gotten together. Quite a few I also had chemistry with, and would argue, still do, if they were, ya know, still in that capacity, but obviously they are not.
The reason I’ve faithfully been with my wife some two decades is simply respect. She checks all the other boxes AND she’s the best human I’ve ever met. She’s possessing of all the things I feel I lack and that was important to me. I try to measure myself up to her and strive to be worthy of her love, which, to me, is something certainly worth the effort.
Attraction should be without a thought, and indeed, looking in your heart, I feel just about anyone can answer that. Next, chemistry, “do I like being around this person?” Last, can I go on vacation with this person and share finances and not get driven crazy by who they are and who they aren’t? Respect.
You got this friend! I’m rooting for you!
I have a lot of respect for my potential new partner, she’s really got her life together and I’ve been told so do I.
For me respect comes easy, there are many people in my life that I respect and will always be there for them when they need me, and who make me a better person and I for them.
But maybe I’m a hopeless romantic, and feel there’s a spark or love or something missing with this potential new partner, and I’m trying to figure that out.
I’m sure we can have great lives together and are a good fit in so many ways, but I’m scared that’d I’d be stuck with this feeling that I’m missing something, and I hope I fall in love with her, but yea time till tell, it’s early days, let’s see.
Sounds like you are buying a car or looking for a job rather than seeing her as a romantic partner.
You describe her features, not your love for her.
Two people can love each other, but not make each other happy or not give each other what they need. Logistics matter, love alone isn’t enough.
I’ve known her for 4 weeks, the logistics couldn’t be better but I feel a lack of love/spark.
That’s what brings me here making this post, because I feel both are important.
The logistics couldn’t be better but I feel a lack of love/spark.
I don’t get it, I said you don’t sound like you love her enough and you seem to agree. You keep talking about logistics as if you are looking for a new job and picking between remote work and moving to a new city.
I understand both are important to you, but you keep saying that only one side is meeting your needs.
Either you are willing to be in a less than love filled relationship for the convenience and status it brings you, or you desire the intimate connection you arent getting. You have to decide. I’m just telling you what I’m seeing from your words, essentially a business deal.
What happens when the “logistics” falter? Are you willing to compromise your self admitted desire for more? Are you willing to be unsatisfied in the emotional and romantic connection department just because your friends think she’s hot?
What happens when the “logistics” falter? Are you willing to compromise your self admitted desire for more? Are you willing to be unsatisfied in the emotional and romantic connection department just because your friends think she’s hot?
Honestly did you even read my post or replies? What makes you think that I think any of the things you just said.
Sure logistics or even love can falter, but you need to start from a good foundation where logistics and love is at a good place to stand a chance.
Yes I read it and you focus on her appearance and her success. You don’t mention any details in your op about why she matters to you beyond how your friends and family perceive her.
You describe wanting a partner to settle down with and yet you fail to mention any reasons beyond her appearance for why her logistics are meaningful.
You ask if you if you are a fool to consider that you should love someone more deeply than their “logistics”.
So yes, I did read what you wrote about her. You seem conflicted between an attractive partner and finding someone you love.
You don’t seem to love her, you love her features.
You ask if you if you are a fool to consider that you should love someone more deeply than their “logistics”.
I never said that, I’m shocked at how completely wrong you’re getting this. I’m going to assume you’re a troll.
I literally in my post say that “I don’t feel the chemistry/attraction”
Are you just trolling?
Logistics matter, if one of you badly wants kids and the other doesn’t at all that’s a deal-breaker no matter how madly in love you are.
People who pretend logistics don’t matter are naive.
Should a 40 year old women who wants kids date a 25 year old student who lives on a different continent and firmly believes he doesn’t want kids just because they are madly in love? No obviously not.
Logistics matter.
Love matters equally, I never said it didn’t. Somehow you seem to gotten it into your head that I think love doesn’t matter or that I don’t care for love, if that was true I wouldn’t have made a post literally talking about a lack of emotions/love that I feel and if others have felt the same and later found it.
Your post is asking if you should ignore your lack of a deeper connection in favor of those logistics only. I’m saying that the way you describe the relationship appears to only be centered on those logistics. You seem to want more and aren’t getting that more. You should decide if you can settle for a less than ideal love for the other benefits they can offer. It seems like you already aren’t sure you can settle.
https://piefed.social/u/beetus@lemmy.world = 34% Attitude
No thanks troll, not engaging further.
desire the intimate connection you arent getting It’s this, which is why I came here to find out if some people didn’t have it at the start but then found it.
You say I keep talking about logistics? When did I do that? You’re literally just making things up now. Literally your first reply to me in in a message that I said that maybe I’m a hopeless romantic and that I hope that I fall in love with her.
What you claim to be seeing isn’t reality. It’s NOT a business deal. I have no idea what made you get to that conclusion.
You say I keep talking about logistics? When did I do that? You’re literally just making things up now.
Bro you used the word twice in your op. I’m just using the words you started with.
And I used the word chemistry 3 times. Context matters.
A lot of times, chemistry/magnetic attraction just means our wounds recognize themselves in the other. This can lead to really unhealthy relationships and the perpetuation and exacerbation of unhealthy thinking and behavior, in ourselves and our partner/s.
A perceived lack of these things can mean we don’t know what healthy thinking, behavior and relationships really look like and maybe we need to take the time to recognize these things and slowly integrate them into our lives.
I don’t want to be madly in love. When and if I fall in love again, I want it to be calm, sane, predictable, and solid. It may seem boring, but part of healthy relationships is finding healthy ways to create joy and excitement. If we can do this, magnetism grows in a healthy, measured manner. In other words, we willingly develop interdependence rather than codependence.
I do think there is an innate chemistry and attraction between certain people. This chemistry and ebb and flow over time and in general it can be cultivated to a certain extent but it mostly hardwired. I do think if you want a relationship that sexually exclusive and satisifying you will need to priortize it at the beginning because sexual attraction does tend to decrease over decades long relationships. That being said it sometimes takes a few months and times together (intimately) to understand a spark
That being said, there are a lot of people who mistake drama for sexual attraction / chemisty. This is a common mistake especially if you are coming a relationships from your young adult / teenage years. So make sure what you are missing is attraction / chemistry not drama. Also note that most people intencity of emotions decreases after the young adult / teenage years so the attraction / chemistry may feel different.
Long and short. If you truly belive you don’t / can’t be attracted to this person and want a sexuality exclusive relationships it isn’t crazy to break up with them. But ensure that what you are looking for isn’t just drama in your life and set relatistic expectation of what attraction looks like.
Yes, attraction can grow over time. I’ve never been in a situation where it was completely absent from day 1, though, so I’m not entirely sure if that’s different or not.
The relationship is still young, so I would give it a little more time while you continue to explore your feelings. After another short while, though, I would recommend an honest conversation with your partner about this. I wouldn’t frame it as an issue of attraction, you don’t want to make her feel unattractive or anything like that. I would talk more about how she feels about the two of you lacking “chemistry” and “that spark”, stuff like that. If you’re missing it, then it’s likely she’s also noticing the same thing. It’s very much a two-way thing, after all. It could be grounds to amicably go your own ways, you may decide to just keep more casual company with each other, or you may decide that stability and compatibility beats passion, who knows. Lots of options. I’d just be open and honest about it though. But first I’d give it a little more time before you even bring it up. There’s no rush to figure it out right now.
Thanks yea, I’ll definitely give it some time.
After some more thought I think we might lack some emotional closeness and vulnerability. We’re different in some ways and probably haven’t opened up to each other enough yet. These things come with time, I need to curb my expectations given the time frame
Complicated situation. I think there’s a good amount of people out there who pull it off as a partnership of convenience. And you might get there anyway after the initial butterflies fade away and several years pass… And fear of being left on the shelf is a real thing as well. You’re allowed to do both, settle with this or keep looking. Just talk to your partner and decide on it together, everything else would be massively unfair… I don’t think it’s a good omen if you doubt or question your relationship early on. I think we have feelings for a reason. And I think it’s more common to base a relationship on feelings than on logic.
I tend to think of chemistry (interactions) as a separate thing from physical attraction, but both can develop over time. They also might not.
If you are fine with ending the relationship and willing to risk it imploding, you could always openly talk about your preferences and see if your partner is open to trying something out. For example, if she always wears pants but your idea of feminine involves dresses and skirts you could just ask about why she prefers pants over skirts and dresses.
Actually being interested in why and not becsuse you want a specific outcome will increase the odds of that conversation going well. Heck, maybe a discussion about whatever your preferences are will open up your ideas of what feminine means!
I’d hate requiring someone to change for the relationship to work, especially something that feels so surface level.
I feel changing to fit your partner happens a bit naturally over time, but it shouldn’t be a requirement and I’d hate to ask someone to dress differently or behave differently.
If they happen do wear or do something I like, I’d say “Ohhh I love that” etc. to subtly encourage it, but if they never want to wear a dress I don’t want to pressure them into that.
Talking about something isn’t requiring it.
Having a personal preference is fine, and being comfortable expressing preferences is a necessary aspect of healthy long term relationships.
I would say attachment to an outcome seems problematic.
Attachment to an outcome from a conversation is fine as long as one is ready to deal with any other outcome.
If the other person was doing horrible stuff, being attached to an outcome where they apologize and change is perfectly fine. How feminine someone’s partner presents might seem petty to others but is crucial for them, and the important thing is they self reflect and decide on what things are actual dealbreakers and which can be lived with.
https://therapistconfessions.substack.com/p/letting-go-of-attachments-to-outcomes
When I think of being attached to an outcome or result, I immediately connect it to the unintentional suffering that follows. Feelings associated with suffering may include anger, rage, misery, and even guilt. It is entirely possible to process and move through these emotions, but in many cases, people are unwilling to do so. Instead, they dwell on them, focusing on how things are not going as planned. They fixate on what else could “go wrong.” These thoughts and feelings ultimately point to an underlying issue —control.
While we have some power in our lives, we do not have as much control as we think. Even when we understand this, we still grasp onto any sense of control to make ourselves feel “safe” or “secure” because sitting in the unknown is incredibly painful for most of us. We expect predictability, certainty, and absolutes in a world that offers everything but that. We curse the heavens when we do not get our way, yet we know we cannot always get what we want.
Control is an illusion. It does not exist. The idea of control traps us, keeping us stuck, treading water, and desperately trying to come up for air. We become addicted to forcing solutions, negotiating with ourselves that if we keep trying, something will eventually work. This happens because we want to feel better internally. We are impatient, untrusting, and anxious. Instead of learning to tolerate uncertainty, we want to eliminate it the moment it arises. However, the only way to find relief is to surrender to what is and let go—surrender to the new reality in front of you, surrender to the fact that you do not have all the answers, and surrender to the new reality in front of you, surrender to the fact that you do not have all the answers, and surrender to the possibility that other paths exist. This will set you free and relieve your suffering, my friend.
The whole article is worth reading, but obviously you can do what you want.
OP is not coming to grips with being unhappy about their life not living up to their expectations, that is a completely different topic.
It also presents acceptance as the ultimate outcome for anything not going as expected and glosses over setting personal boundaries, which is the worst kind of therapist advice.
